Raising Godly Children
When I first learned I would become a father, I had one overwhelming parenting goal in mind: To raise my children to be a strong Christian. I know any parent reading this has a similar goal. As a Minister I knew I had at my disposal the ultimate resource for raising children, Scripture. Additionally, as a Marriage and Family Therapist I know that my other field of work, offers tested theoretical and research-based insight that complements Scripture. Working with couples and families is an area of extreme passion in my ministry! Here are three lessons I’ve learned from scripture, study, and sitting in the counseling room with families that will help us meet our goal of raising Godly children.
1. Parent on purpose.
The first principle? Parent with purpose. Parenting with purpose is of ultimate importance but makes all types of great parenting possible. In Joshua 24 we read that after entering the promised land, the nation of Israel had wandered back into idolatry. Joshua challenges the nation of Israel to be faithful to God and leave behind their idol worship. Joshua 24:15 is memorable, “Choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua challenges them to live intentionally with the sole purpose of serving God. Idolatry can happen by accident; faithfulness never will. In this passage Joshua sets the ultimate example of parenthood. He states he will intentionally lead his family in serving God. Every decision he and his family made would be evaluated along the criteria: Does this serve God? This is the example to follow to raise godly children. Parenting at a high level isn’t always easy: it requires discipline, focus, and effort. We will only put forth that effort if we make the decision every day to do the hard work. It WILL NOT happen by accident.
2. More is caught than taught.
The second key to raising Godly children: More is caught than taught. This old parenting maxim simply means kids learn by example. Children’s actions are shaped more by what they see their parents doing than what they hear their parents saying. Actions speak louder than words. Parents who prioritize church, serving God, Holy living, typically produce children who do the same. As a therapist strongly influenced by Bowenian Transgenerational Family Therapy, I see this frequently in my work with teens and families. A teen is sent to see me because they’ve gotten in trouble for abusing drugs. We discuss their family history and typically there is a history of drug and alcohol abuse that includes one or both parents (and typically grandparents). Many folks, often including the parents themselves, have tried to teach them to act differently, but the family pattern shows the truth: more is caught than taught. I’ve seen this in my Youth Ministry and Pulpit Ministry work as well: Children are rarely more faithful than their parents. More is caught than taught.
3. Skip the Shame
The third and final key based on my understanding of scripture, clinical work, and personal research? Parent with love and grace instead of judgement and shame. It’s been my observation that very well-meaning Christian parents and churches have been abusing shame and guilt for generations. It’s understandable! Shame is easy to employ, requires little effort, and seems effective at altering behavior. The problem with shame as a behavioral modification strategy is that it is typically toxic and harmful, even when we think it accomplishes the goal we desire. I want to be clear: Shame is a natural human emotion kids typically feel when they do something, they know is wrong. Enforcing Godly standards can and often does produce shame in children, and I’m not suggesting we insulate our children from all shame. I’m arguing that we should never amplify shame or use shame as a tactic to punish and guilt our children. God our Father is the ultimate example of this. God often points out His standard, identifies our sins, and then typically follows that up with a statement of His love and grace. He shows mercy and grace instead of amplifying shame. Romans 3:23-24, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,” God doesn’t shy away from the reality of the situation: we have sinned and deserve death! But God follows that shame-inducing situation with a statement of His grace and mercy. We see this same pattern in John 3:16-17, where Jesus reminds us that even though the world is lost because of its sin, “God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” God chooses repeatedly to show grace and mercy instead of guilt and shame. Two typical outcomes show up when parents rely on guilt and shame. The first is that children become discouraged and give up. This first outcome can set children up for a lifetime of behavioral and mental health problems. When children are constantly criticized with shame, they can begin to internalize a wholly negative sense of self, the results of which can manifest in numerous ways. Children and adults who internalize a sense of inadequacy and worthlessness go on to struggle with behavior, depression, and relationships. The second outcome is that children learn to hide their behavior in order to avoid the shame they’ve been taught is inevitable. This is common in both my church work and clinical work. Shame and guilt force sin into the darkness. Unexposed and unknown sin makes quality parenting and repentance impossible. In the home and the church, we should be striving to create an atmosphere of repentance where people can confess their sins, James 5:16-20. Weaponized shame and guilt make this very difficult, so children and Christians struggle in silence with sin they never end up overcoming. Children make mistakes and have to be taught right from wrong, and this requires a level of honesty from children, especially the older they get. Homes full of shame and guilt make this honesty virtually impossible.
You can raise Godly Children.
I want to end by encouraging parents: You CAN raise Godly children. You have a profound impact on your children’s eternal destiny. Things will happen outside of your control and in spite of your best efforts, but you are the greatest influence in the life of your child. Parent on purpose, set a great example, and avoid using guilt and shame– instead parent with love and purpose. We will make mistakes but do these things as consistently as you can and watch your children flourish.